Obsessing is impossible to prevent at times. No matter how strong-minded or independent we may think we are, even at the most insignificant level, we are tied to our spouses.
Tonite I had a shower, simple right? I have showered every day since D-day. As I stepped out and dried myself off, there it was, a memory, and now I am in the maze of obsession, as if by magic. I remembered nights when H arrived home very late after “doing overtime”. I would always be 90% asleep but would come out of my haze just enough. On several nights he went into the shower. Did I think it odd….yes, did I have a flash of “is he cheating”, perhaps, but so trusting was my nature, it was fleeting if at all. He’d tell me he was hot and sweaty from work, (has a physical job), I never questioned him. The truth was he was with woman 4 Staci, who lived with her mother, had a kid and was getting banged in my husbands truck in the middle of winter (Che palle! Italian for “what balls”!). Since he was completely and utterly using her in the worst way, he never sported for a motel room. Remembering this makes me angry, hurt, disgusted. So now I am here and trying to navigate my way out before it spirals into something really ugly.
I am reading Surviving Infidelity by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G Harris, and doing some deep breathing. H will be home soon, unsuspecting that my mind is in the deep. The suggestions are many, snapping a rubber band, visualizing a stop sign (bashing him with a stop sign?), splashing cold water, or allowing myself 30 minutes to wallow and move on. Choosing to blog instead. I do realize that inexplicably I am further ahead than I have been. I have a knot in my stomach, but the flush in my face is not present. I am angry but have no desire to yell or cry. Does this mean I am inches forward? I feel I am. I no longer have the obsessive questions. At times, some cross my mind, but I have the ability to work them through as in “will knowing change anything for the better”? I already know he was horrid, and don’t feel the need to gather further evidence. I am wishing to avoid self-harm and we betrayed do have control over that.
So I find myself an in-between not the mess I was but not at all healed. Dare I say I am on a forward path? Being superstitious I will not label my current place, I know I may back slide tomorrow or the next day, or the next month. But it does feel good to be somewhat in control of my behaviour. I still don’t know what or how I feel, it changes like the wind….and I give myself a firm get outta jail free on that one. Savingshards made a most beautiful comment on my last post, and her words made me smile. It was all about support, and recognizing the “work” I am doing to navigate through the maze of crap I have had foisted on me. For her and for those who post and follow, I am thankful tonight.