Tonight I had a shower…..

Obsessing is impossible to prevent at times. No matter how strong-minded or independent we may think we are, even at the most insignificant level, we are tied to our spouses.

Tonite I had a shower, simple right? I have showered every day since D-day. As I stepped out and dried myself off, there it was, a memory, and now I am in the maze of obsession, as if by magic. I remembered nights when H arrived home very late after “doing overtime”. I would always be 90% asleep but would come out of my haze just enough. On several nights he went into the shower. Did I think it odd….yes, did I have a flash of “is he cheating”, perhaps, but so trusting was my nature, it was fleeting if at all. He’d tell me he was hot and sweaty from work, (has a physical job), I never questioned him. The truth was he was with woman 4 Staci, who lived with her mother, had a kid and was getting banged in my husbands truck in the middle of winter (Che palle! Italian for “what balls”!). Since he was completely and utterly using her in the worst way, he never sported for a motel room.  Remembering this makes me angry, hurt, disgusted. So now I am here and trying to navigate my way out before it spirals into something really ugly.

I am reading Surviving Infidelity by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G Harris, and doing some deep breathing. H will be home soon, unsuspecting that my mind is in the deep. The suggestions are many, snapping a rubber band, visualizing a stop sign (bashing him with a stop sign?), splashing cold water, or allowing myself 30 minutes to wallow and move on.  Choosing to blog instead.  I do realize that inexplicably I am further ahead than I have been. I have a knot in my stomach, but the flush in my face is not present. I am angry but have no desire to yell or cry. Does this mean I am inches forward? I feel I am. I no longer have the obsessive questions. At times, some cross my mind, but I have the ability to work them through as in “will knowing change anything for the better”? I already know he was horrid, and don’t feel the need to gather further evidence.  I am wishing to avoid self-harm and we betrayed do have control over that.

So I find myself an in-between not the mess I was but not at all healed. Dare I say I am on a forward path? Being superstitious I will not label my current place, I know I may back slide tomorrow or the next day, or the next month. But it does feel good to be somewhat in control of my behaviour. I still don’t know what or how I feel, it changes like the wind….and I give myself a firm get outta jail free on that one. Savingshards made a most beautiful comment on my last post, and her words made me smile. It was all about support, and recognizing the “work” I am doing to navigate through the maze of crap I have had foisted on me. For her and for those who post and follow, I am thankful tonight.

 


4 thoughts on “Tonight I had a shower…..

  1. This is completely normal. I’ve had those very same thoughts about H showering after he had supposedly been “out with the guys watching a game”. I thought nothing of it back then. Now I know if it ever happens going forward, I will be on red-alert.

    Now, on to the healing – I am impatient, and I desperately thought wanted to get ahead of the healing process. I thought for sure they were wrong – 2 to 5 years? It sounds like a prison sentence, not the length of time it should take to feel somewhat normal again. So many times when I cried or lashed out at H, melted down, lost control, I would beat myself up. As if I was the guilty one?!! I knew better, I should have kept my cool, etc….the fact is, it really is a process. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be so f-ing angry that you can’t see straight. You have been hurt, and even though there is no blood or broken bones, the pain is real. Be patient with yourself. Take your time. Do your best to get some sleep – I know it’s easier said than done. After six months of three or less hours a night, I ended up with a prescription after D-Day #2, and six months later was finally able to sleep without the pills. Sleep really helps.

    Don’t worry about “moving forward” right now. Just concentrate on the here and now. There are going to be bumps in the road, and times when you feel like you’re taking three steps back. You’re going to get there, it just takes some time.

    Keep writing, and know that so many of us totally understand. We’ve been where you are right now. What you’re feeling and thinking right now is not permanent. 🙏

    ☀️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you sunshinelifeforme I do rush myself and have to remember to slow down, I do feel guilty about bringing up my pain..as if I will cause damage to our process and cause H to get discouraged. He has said I should speak to him about what I am thinking but I find if incredibly difficult.

    I agree that the quoted time frames feel like a life sentence, but I also know myself and I have difficulty letting things go at the best of times, and these are by far the worst of times.

    I have been sleeping a bit better some nights, but always have difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep (the bad thoughts are very active at those times). Last night my dream was of my H rejecting a kiss from me..and I woke up to an angry H who cut his finger on my razor in the shower…so a little thing is compounded by the sick feelings of the dream I had and I am in a bad place. I was going to get angry but instead I asked him what the anger is about, in a text and have yet to hear from him. Trying not the blend the new issues with the old.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love your writing and the analyzing you are not alone there
    Charles would always come home from work and shower which o thought was odd at first but he said he just had a long day
    Nope was washing skank off of him
    😒
    I’ve been mad lately
    I need to let it out I’m starting to take that anger into other avenues

    Like

    1. Thank you for reading my posts, and for your words. I understand how you are feeling about being mad, it washes over me too and the most inopportune times. I have come to realize that I need to be able to comfort myself and do things to lift my own spirits. Even though we are in this with our husbands, their experience is not at all the same. They try to comfort us if we are the lucky ones who have husbands that are contrite, however I realize two things, the “contrite” will not last forever, and hopefully repair, communication and understanding will arise from the mess. We betrayed are strong, we are still in our marriages that have been devastated. We have the ability to self comfort. Have you tried visualizing a nice place or time? Dr. H has given me homework. When I am getting mad, having ruminating thoughts, I am to picture in great detail, a happy moment or place in my past. I have been mentally returning to my grandmothers apartment. I miss her, she has been gone for 23 years. I picture myself walking up the driveway, in the elevator, knocking on her door. I picture her apartment, run my fingers over her flocked wallpaper….it helps…its in seeing the small details of that time, when I was younger, happy, innocent. If you are focused on creating these memories you cannot be focused on your anger. Dr H says to practice this at night as you drift off to sleep. As you get better at creating the image, you can call upon it in your waking hours to distract from negative feelings and thoughts. Good luck nothatemyhusband…you have this, you can do it!

      Liked by 1 person

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