Each day is full of emotional surprises and realizations about who I am, who he is, and what we are capable of.
I find myself taking on a rumination, or barrier in a moment in time and trying to do battle with it until it can be laid to rest. They run the gamut from revenge on the “others”, anger at myself for being duped, anger at him for being so weak and selfish, disbelief. I am at times sad, or horribly indignant. I have triggers.
Today H is at the cottage, and I realize that even though only a week has passed since he was last there, I am less obsessed about him being there. I am still unwilling to go there myself, but this morning I awoke, dare I say, in peace with it. It is a small victory but a victory nonetheless. I have been working at taking charge of my thoughts as they come and especially if I am starting to obsess. I spent the night alone and it was good. I wonder if that is a sign that I am better when he is not here, when I am not reminded of the hurt he has caused, or if I was just in a generally more peaceful place last night.
Dr. H has given me homework and I have been diligently applying it. She has asked me to identify two or three places or events that are good. As I fall asleep each night, I am to walk through them in great detail. I have decided these places do not involve my H so I am revisiting my past. My grandmother died 23 years ago…and I have been paying her a visit each night. I visualize walking up the driveway, into the lobby of her apartment…smell the smells, hear the ding of the elevator. Knock on her door..and run my fingers over the velvet flocked wallpaper in her hallway. Each time I do it, I add more details. It is helping even though I am not quite “good” at it yet and I look forward to being in more innocent places.
For us betrayed, I think there has to come a time, where we stop going over our story and events that have brought us here. I had a call from an old friend and recounted to her in detail what I have been living ….and there I was, back at the start, with the same stress and upset as the weeks following D-day. In that moment as I got off the phone, I realized in telling my story, I gave it the chance to harm me yet again. I spent the day with that familiar stress knot in my stomach, and inability to think of anything else without the black cloud of infidelity hanging over me. I know the enemy, I will not allow it to take charge of my existence.
Letting go is a strange dance but I know it must be done. Hanging on to the betrayal, allows it to harm over and over again, but letting it go feels like minimizing it, letting H off the hook, showing him it was not really as catastrophic as it was..(oh it fucking was). This is the battle I face most days now, wanting to take steps forward, my ego, and self-preservation mechanism pulling me back to the starting line. I have not allowed intimacy except for two occasions that ended in tears. When I look at him, I am still at times, conjuring up visions (yes, crap, I actually do this….), I actually voluntarily conjure up visions of him with one or the other pathetic soul, or visions of him sexting, texting etc., it is a form or what? Self harm? or punishment for him?….either way, it has to stop. I am not letting go fast, but this week I need to prove to myself that I can and so I will be taking trips to my past….what a lovely way to travel…..