Pull up your fucking socks….

Its tough love day for me. I quit smoking two days ago…I have been feeling depressed to some largish degree about the enormity of the emotional waves I have been crashing around in and my response HAS to be, pull your fucking socks up and get on with it!

The easiness of wallowing, ruminating, revenge fantasying, well….lets just say it’s a habit, just like smoking. It becomes a fall back position to every negative and positive event in life. I have been feeling distant, unemotional towards H, internally angry and I have to admit, I have been feeding those emotions, like my smoking habit (which has ramped up in the last three months from casual, to completely out of control). I have been looking at him through testing eyes, do we fit, do we belong together now, can he be the man I need him to be, can I ever really forgive this huge injustice to my very being? Every time I have a deep flush of emotion, (which is too damn often if you ask me) I have rushed out to distract, have a smoke…why am I afraid to go through the anxiety, the feeling….WHY?????????

Two days ago I decided, that I need to start living, not limping along wounded. So first order of business is to stop the most stupid habit I have developed. I have always maintained that it would be impossible for me to quit if my H still smoked. He has promised many times to quit..never actually doing it and I had the epiphany that I have been participating in his dysfunction. If I allow myself to wallow and be miserable, is that not participating in his dysfunction as well?  I have to decide that I will not be dragged down the rabbit (habit) hole with him. After all, it was his mental break, his lack of moral code, his lack of commitment that brought us to the state in which we are in. And here is where I have to reside or do I? Do I need to look for inspiration from him or just find it in myself.

I have no idea how to do this actually. I know I am farther along but not where I want to be. It feels impossible today to stay in this marriage that is so damaged. It feels impossible to see him as anything else but the man who betrayed me, impossible to feel good with his touch, to allow him to be close. Even though he is being more helpful, considerate, even tempered…is he a wild card in my life, I have no idea if he will betray me again. He says he made the decision to never cheat again…but…AHEM pardon me from stating the obvious, shouldn’t that decision be made….say, THE FUCKING DAY YOU GET MARRIED??????? Ah, getting off topic…sorry. 

In the steps to mental health, self-love and self-improvement, I am saying…today…is a bad day in my thoughts about marriage and H, however I refuse to reside here….and its only one day….one hour, one minute…

What is not impossible is to start putting myself first, breaking habits that are destructive, doing things to further me, quit smoking, Italian lessons, blogging, getting organized (holy crap, to say that this cheating crap has stolen my concentration and organization would be a gross understatement!!!!!!). I will have to keep coming up with the things that make me just “feel”, not hide, not wallow…I am actually a bit scared about my ability here…I want to just put my head down on the pillow and escape really.

I know I will not always do it right off, it will take practice and starts and fails, but I have to move myself forward, not look for H’s actions and words to do it for me.

 

 

 

 

 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s