Not a red-letter week for me. Therapy, audio books, self-talk, none of it seems to be resonating or sticking, am I and my marriage doomed?
I have been going over my feelings about deception. H has been trying his best to right this horrible wrong and for some reason, none of it is making a dent in my ample armour. He has been performing tons of acts of service, helping, building, spending time. I see it, I appreciate it, but I still look at him differently, wary, distant, hurt. What am I doing wrong? I have been so incredibly sad and have been feeling so displaced from my life. Even in the most normal mundane daily life we have, I look at him and everything ties back to his cheating. Riding in the car, chatting and doing errands, seems so right yet wrong. All I can think about was his ability to do mundane and normal, all the while he was cheating, sexting, making plans to screw others, spend his time elsewhere. His lies practiced with no remorse, not a skip in his step no hint my life was on the rails. It has only been 4.5 months since his last cheating episode, how does he just give it up? Why was his compulsion so impossible to control and now he just does it with no issue?
I feel actually as times passes that I am losing ground, not making forward steps. Losing sleep, nightmares. I can’t bring myself to turn to him for affection and comfort even thought I need it so badly..oh how I do.
Thoughts of the others have resurfaced this week as well, I want revenge, I want them to suffer…SOMETHING!!!!! None of these thoughts feel like me. I keep reading all the blogs, about recovery, rebuilding, they are so full of hope and I can find none. It’s within me that the deficit lies, he is trying, he has hope, he wants to stay married…..
I recently asked Dr. W if people ever really do get past this kind of hurt, this ultimate betrayal. Her response was a bit non committal. She said “people learn to live with it”, as if it’s some ugly chair you put into the corner..you hate it, but you just learn to live with it in your space. Not sounding ideal to me. She told me people decide what is more important. Some stay for the kids, some for finances, some for status in life….and I guess some stay because they are so in love?
I feel like the longer I think this way, the possibility of my marriage surviving diminishes..probably a wrong thought but how long can we go without intimacy, deep connection, trust? I find it impossible to tell him how I feel, exposing my feelings to someone who has acted with such horrible disregard for them in the past.
Shitty blog…I’m sorry…just a feeling…and as Ekhart Tolle says, feelings are not reality, we don’t have to believe every thought or feeling that wanders into our brains….
PS still not smoking…at least that is one step forward….now to figure out how to wrangle the others . Encouraging words welcomed and needed this week!!!!