Catching where I left off on my first post, H and I separated and continued to try therapy. Had I known I would be spending thousands of dollars, hours of crying, and so much circle talking with someone who was cheating I would never have done it. Funny thing about labouring under a misconception….it just sucks the life out of you when you find out. In November 2012 he told me he no longer wanted to go to therapy and wanted a divorce. By this time, I had half expected it and it stung but life had been so difficult, he had been so horrible, I had no more fight in me.
We cut contact and put off the legalities until we were in a better head space and I jumped on the healing track….dated, met a super hunk of a guy who made me realize at 50 I was still desirable, and wanted. A month later, my H texted me on Christmas day to say Merry Christmas, and for the first time (but not the last) his text elicited an out loud “oh fuck off”. I promptly deleted it and went about my day. Next text came on New Years eve, same response and outcome. I was moving past the hurt, slowly, painfully….mustering as much inner strength as I could. One thing about these life changing events, they teach you how low you can go, and how strong you can be. Before this, I did not know either of those things about myself.
My H clearly was starting to have doubts about the path he had taken and started to canvas a close friend to speak on his behalf. I was so angry and somewhat indifferent that none of his professions of stupidity and confessions of his mistakes made any difference. In the months that followed, the man I had been seeing did a few very disappointing things and I had to stop ignoring some of the red flags. As the flags presented, I started to think about the devil you know vs. the one you don’t. I resumed communication with H with a great deal of trepidation and resentment. At our first meeting, he was wearing his wedding ring, it made me angry. How could he have behaved to horribly, been so unkind and have the expectation that I would take him back? We dated for almost a year. Started going to the cottage. Much before I was ready, his things started to show up at the house…first in the garage..before I knew it and with so much fear, he was back in. We sorted nothing out, solved no issues…my mistrust and resentment continued. As we have always done, it was swept under the rug and I felt tortured.
I thought about therapy, but it has been so horrific dealing with him I just kept silent and stupidly thought that we might eventually just fall back into a decent place. Over the first six months of his return, I became a reluctant detective. I looked on his phone and then his computer when he was away. What was I looking for? Not what you all may think. I was actually looking for clues as to why he had been so mean, and also what he had said about me during our time apart…to our friends, his family. What I discovered was much much worse! It started with photos of a few women…and of course the famous pissing video (high class women all of them). H swore up and down that these were post divorce talk. I reluctantly believed him. Last winter, things started to fall into place. Funny thing about being dishonest, I am a firm believer that eventually it will and DOES catch up with you. H had his hard drive in his computer die. He asked me to save photos of his mom (deceased) before repair. For some reason, I ended up in his photo booth (I still think the powers that be lead me there) and discovered photos of him in bed, and photos of a woman in bed…same sheets! I instantly realized that this bed was where he moved to when we separated and for the first time had the presence of mind to check dates, we had been separated a few weeks and were thick into marriage counselling. I won’t bore you all with the exact details but his web of lies had started to unravel. Friends encouraged me to stay “grey area” they said “you were separated”. Cut to late spring of last year and my sister finds his profile up on OK CUPID, current, married man asking for sex. He tried to lie his way out….sad I know. Then a few days later, again, feeling like my angel spirits finally wanted me to have the whole picture…I catch him lying about staying late at work…and see him just by chance, at the local 7/11 (behind it actually) chatting on the phone, and I knew. When he got home (in a different shirt I may add) the jig was up and the trickle truth started over the period of a week of 10 hour days of talking and pulling all the truth out of him that I could. All the sickening details, a revelation about his childhood abuse, the sheer numbers of lies were staggering. He had nothing to lose because he was literally minutes away from getting shown the door forever. He was ill and his sickness was finally being revealed to me.
What made me stay and try? I guess I was damned if I did and damned if I did not. What kind of person would I be if I threw him out after finding out about his horrific abuse? I was at that point the first one he had ever told…..I did not think I would stay married at that point, but I was not willing to kick this man when he was so far down.
So here I am now, 11 months from D-day…for those of you at the start of your journey, just know, no matter how horrible your story is, you can and will get past it and you will find support in so many places. You just have to push forward! Don’t let someone else shortcoming, weakness or sickness break you. Your worth more than that. I know everyday that I am worth being treated with honesty and dignity. I know if my H EVER CHEATS AGAIN, there will be no crying, discussions or negotiations, it will be a changed lock and a complete break in contact. I am still here, I am for the most part sane, you will be too. Its a super long road and I am still on it, but determined to follow it to see where I end up.