I have not written for some time. My father died in April and I am reeling. Reeling from the months of watching him suffer and try to avoid the inevitable end. He was full of life and not wanting or ready to go in any way. I cared for him in every way, I’m reeling from watching family dynamics already troublesome implode in the wake of this most painful life event. I am missing the man who was my rock in so many ways. My dad was there for me night and day when I separated from H three years ago. Losing him reminds me of the times we were the closest and it saddens me that they were around my marital troubles. I would not have made it without him there, driving me to my tennis lessons, not letting me sit alone and wallow too much…just all of it, he was my saviour.
My father sensed, since last August (d-day) that things with my marriage were not as they should be. It is the one lie I told him over and over…that nothing was wrong. Why did I lie? I lied to protect my father from the worry, hurt and anger of what has happened in my marriage as he declined from his illness and faced that he would leave us alone unprotected. I lied to protect H so that he would not be vilified and treated with hostility or disdain. Still in the aftermath of my father’s death I stand on this decision to keep it from him although it hurts that I had to do it. All these lies to protect those who hurt me….and in my childish way I wanna scream “WHAT ABOUT ME?”
H has been as supportive as he knows how. He has been by my side mostly, he helped with my dad as much as he could. He was there during the funeral. He helped carry my fathers casket to its final resting place, but he still has no words for me. Even though H has already walked this path after losing his parents, he has no words to comfort me. What he has is a hug, an ear…perhaps I should be grateful for those.
The state of my marriage is still in some ways the same and in some ways better knowing who I am dealing with, knowing how to watch for the clues I so stupidly missed in the past. Intimacy is still not there and neither of us know how to knock this wall down. The honesty and deep discussions that happened in the months after d-day are over and we have both gone back to our quiet corners, living our feelings and thoughts in secrecy. Counselling was put on the back burner when we realized it was becoming more about my horror at the thought of my dad dying, than about how we move forward. Should we go back? H has stopped seeing his therapist as well, how will we change things? It’s still in the dark corners of my mind, his cheating, but it gets pushed back daily by grief and stress since losing my dad. We are in some ways even more distant now but at least we have kindness towards each other. Is kindness enough to keep us going until we can put ourselves first?
I feel somewhat a failure so far, in between grief and stress and daily life, the thoughts of the others still flash into my mind. In the moments I feel like reaching for some affection, I conjure up all the lies, the covert operations during our marriage, and the hideous faces of those he cheated with. Why does the mind do this? It has these dark compartments, not to be viewed all at once but making room for each to manifest. When one sadness fades, another pops into place.
Revenge has been on my mind. I have felt cheated that the reveal of his affairs was several years after they had ended in the case of the first two and specifically pathetic Holly. I feel cheated out of facing her, and letting her know the damage she helped cause. I feel cheated not seeing her suffer. I feel cheated out of telling her what an utter bag of trash she is. Is this normal? When will it ever stop? Confronting her now would only invite her back into my world, and perhaps give her some satisfaction that my H is suffering from his actions. I would love to know if any of my fellow betrayed are facing the same demons. It is coming up on 1 year since D-day on August 12th and I am wondering how much fallout there will be as we approach the date. I am no longer afraid of H leaving, he can if he likes and I know I will pick up the pieces. Some days when the thoughts are there, I wonder if it would be easier not having him around. I know in the long run, life with him would and can be better. I am no longer afraid to say or do something to make him cheat…I know that the decision to do that will be his alone….and his fault. So how do I cope now? Gone are the crying, the constant questions, and the sheer horror at what he has done, but the ghosts of the past still remain, I would love some ideas on how to banish those.