2019…finally…lets hope for the best

I can say without any hesitation, the last several years of my life have been horribly difficult, the changes in my marriage, the loss of my dad….in some ways the loss of me as I had been for so long. I was not sad in the least to see 2018 go but I don’t want to get into the habit of wishing time away.

Each time I hear from a newly betrayed, my heart breaks for them…I know how hard it is, I feel those horrible feelings I felt, that memory will be forever etched on my heart. But they are slowly losing steam, no longer able to elicit the same despair and for that I am thankful.

Three years…thats what Dr Hanna said it would take for the anger to subside…and well, she was kinda right although I think my timeline was a bit longer than that! It has almost passed, and although my marriage will never be the same..I am starting to learn to live in the marriage I have. Is it perfect, great even? Not exactly but I have hope in place of complete hopelessness. I found myself considering wearing my wedding rings again, more of a passing thought for a few minutes…I have not had them on since DD. For me that has been a huge step, as the thought of them in the past made me sad and sick in the pit of my stomach. I have still not done it…..something about still feeling tentative at times about my marriage, as if, putting them on is a bad luck charm. Clearly there is some hesitation on my part about hurt or finally complete forgiveness…I don’t have that yet…work in progress.

I no longer google ways to hurt the OW’s, I don’t check on them, they are no longer allowed to rent space in my head. They do from time to time drift into my head for seconds..but I chase them out quickly. I don’t wish them well, I just don’t care about them any more. For those of you obsessing, do know at some point, it will stop. It took A VERY LONG TIME for me to get past that step…I just don’t want to live with the hate any more. They hurt me, they hurt themselves in the process too, no one got out unscathed…

So the above post, from last January was just found in my draft folder after a rather long absence from my blog. It is amazing what a year can do. Yes, I did finally put my wedding rings back on. I cannot recall the exact date, but I remember just making the decision. It felt okay, and no longer felt like a lie. I feel more “married” now, good and bad. Some days grateful, other days, still angry. I am further forward from this post, in small increments. I still have doubts often, doubts that we will survive, doubts that H will be as devoted to the process as he needs to be. But for now we are here. Forever changed but still at it. We plan for the future and it does not feel like a complete charade as it has in the past. The possibility of us making it to old age is there. Funny thing about being betrayed, my life instinct is to hope, to plan, to build, but being cheated on halts that in its tracks. It dies for a quite a while, and then with some time, it resumes again. The only thing is it changes, it resumes with an air of caution, or a caveat..I don’t “expect” anymore, and I am forever prepared for the other shoe to drop. It does make me sad that this is my new normal, veiled hope and excitement of the future. Not sure if that will ever go away. 

 

 


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